I’m terrified and torn and I sometimes wish I didn’t have these attachments to keep me feeling this way. It isn’t fair the way life plays out. It seems like everything could be okay, it doesn’t seem as bad as they have it, we can do this - up until another three hour car conversation filled with tears and snot and littered facial tissues. I am so TIRED that every time this happens, all I want to do is give up because I know what’s going to happen. every. time. But I am seriously fucking mental because every time I argue and kick and scream and fight for us and every time you give in and tell me I’m right and every thing is okay again. I know I’ve dealt with instability before, but there’s only so much a person can handle.
There was a moment I thought I would die last night. Not probable… but convincing in the state of mind I was in last night. And all I could hear was your voice and you were the last face I saw before I passed out and it was scary, but it was the most comforting thing in the world. How is a person supposed to let that go?
If life played out perfectly, it would go a little something like this:
College, time apart. Find ourselves, find our purpose. See each other sparingly, maybe see other people in between. Realize everyone else sucks. College, done. See each other again, feelings resurface, happy silly crazy love again.
But life isn’t fair or perfect or how you expect it to be, and I’m too scared to let it play out on its own.